Summary of “Why we should all stop saying “I know exactly how you feel” |”

So I started talking about how I grew up without a father.
“No, no, no,” I said, “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just meant I know how you feel.”
She answered, “No, Celeste, you don’t. You have no idea how I feel.”
While reciprocity is an important part of any meaningful conversation, the truth is shifting the attention to our own experiences is completely natural.
That’s where some trouble can arise – instead of helping us better understand someone else’s experience, our own experiences can distort our perceptions of what the other person is saying or experiencing.
Study author Dr. Tania Singer observed, “The participants who were feeling good themselves assessed their partners’ negative experiences as less severe than they actually were. In contrast, those who had just had an unpleasant experience assessed their partners’ good experience less positively.” In other words, we tend to use our own feelings to determine how others feel.
What if you’re having a great day and you meet a friend who was just laid off? Without knowing it, you might judge how your friend is feeling against your good mood.
Excerpted with permission from the new book We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter by Celeste Headlee.

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Summary of “How Honesty Could Make You Happier”

Researchers at the University of California San Diego Emotion Lab are looking at “Prosocial” lies – the white lies we tell to benefit others, like telling an aspiring writer a story is great because you want to be nice and encouraging, when in reality you know it needs work and will meet rejection.
A recent study at the lab suggests that we are more likely to tell a prosocial lie when we feel compassion toward someone, because if you feel bad for someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt him or her with the truth.
These lies feel better in the short term, but they often do more harm than good in the long term.
My focus on honesty at times did lead to better interactions with my husband.
My social media self wasn’t a lie, but if I was going to focus on truly honest behavior, it seemed better not to indulge too much – hence, I pulled way back from posting on Facebook.
Even though honesty felt like a struggle, I started to like how it felt.
Research from the University of Notre Dame has shown that when people consciously stopped telling lies, including white lies, for 10 weeks, they had fewer physical ailments and fewer mental health complaints than a control group that did not focus on honesty.
The bottom line is that focusing on honesty is a way to actively engage with the world, versus passively complaining about it.

The orginal article.

Summary of “Feeling like an impostor? You can escape this confidence-sapping syndrome”

Far from being a realistic self-assessment, the impostor syndrome mind-trap prevents people from believing in themselves, to the detriment of us all.
For some, hearing about impostor syndrome for the first time is a revelation.
According to some estimates, up to 70% of successful people have experienced impostor syndrome, including Maya Angelou, Albert Einstein, and Meryl Streep.
Survival of the fittest means all humans live with degrees of anxiety – including the kind that can cause impostor syndrome.
Women and people from minority populations also experience impostor syndrome more, due to cultural inequities.
To name impostor syndrome is to start to sense control over it and recognise that it is a complex condition that you can – with practise – overcome.
Impostor syndrome can be a gift if you use it to create more helpful, mindful, less toxically stressful ways of living.
Fiona Buckland is giving a Guardian Masterclass on 10 October on how to tackle impostor syndrome and embrace your power.

The orginal article.

Summary of “Happiness Is Not Enough”

The same way you feel hot and cold when you walk outside, your emotions do the same for complex psychological phenomena.
Chances are you’re going to feel some strong emotions like anger, jealousy, and betrayal, among others.
A diverse emotional life isn’t just made up of a few “Good” and “Bad” emotions.
People who practice a wide range of emotions are self-aware enough to know what triggers these emotions and then act accordingly.
What you’ll likely find is that if you’ve denied a certain emotion in yourself for long enough, you’ll actually stop realizing when you’re feeling it.
I’ve talked before about identifying and unfusing from your emotions as one way to become more self-aware and to understand your emotions better.
Learning to identify the emotion and then separating your decision-making from the emotion.
Once you unfuse your emotions from your decisions, it often causes you to experience greater depth and complexity in your emotions.

The orginal article.

Summary of “How to Rediscover Your Inspiration at Work”

We have a sense of purpose, buoyed by the feeling that our talents are being put to good use.
Even if you’re lucky enough to have a job you love, it’s common to go through lengthy periods where you need to dig deep to feel excited about your work.
They’ve identified three elements that occur when we’re inspired: we see new possibilities, we’re receptive to an outside influence, and we feel energized and motivated.
When you aren’t feeling inspired, it’s normal to feel stuck.
The field of cognitive behavioral therapy shows that our behavior affects how we think and feel.
When we do different things, we feel different feelings.
If you feel stuck, try writing down all of your options and selecting the three you’re most excited about in order.
It’s important to keep them up even when you’re feeling inspired so you can stay that way.

The orginal article.

Summary of “Want to Raise Mentally Strong Kids? Do These 3 Things”

Sometimes, parents are quick to say things like, “Quit worrying” or, “It’ll turn out fine,” when kids express concerns.
Most parents never teach kids how to develop healthier self-talk.
A child who initially thinks, “I’ll never be able to pass math class,” can learn to reframe his negative thinking by telling himself, “I can improve my math grade by studying hard, asking for help, and doing my homework.” Kids who think realistically feel better about themselves and are more resilient.
How to Teach It: Encourage your kids to become thought detectives who evaluate the evidence that supports and refutes their assumptions.
It’s important to educate kids about their emotions and how those emotions influence them.
How to Teach It: Teach your kids to recognize their feelings.
How to Teach it: Proactively teach your kids problem-solving skills.
To learn more about how to raise mentally strong kids, pick up a copy of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do..

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Summary of “How To Deal With Uncomfortable Emotions And Reshape Your Identity”

If you’re willing to disregard how you feel in the moment, you’ll have access to a world of opportunity unavailable to 99% of the population.
Put most simply: when the why is strong enough, you’ll be willing to do any how.
If you 10X your why, you’ll have insights about how to do things far more effectively than the norm.
What you do alters how you see yourself and the world.
You’ll begin to believe in yourself, because you’ll have watched yourself act in a believable way.
You’ll find yourself in situations and ask yourself, “How did I get here? How am I going to pull this off?”.
How big is the emotional roller-coaster of life you’re going to ride? Small rises and dips? Or huge rises, drops, spins, and twists? Life is meant to be lived, emotions are meant to be felt and experienced.
No matter how “Successful” you become, trusting yourself never gets easier.

The orginal article.

Summary of “A Simple Way to Be More Assertive”

If the first part of the formula is: “When you continually interrupt me during meetings,” you might then add, “I don’t get a chance to voice my opinion.” End with a feelings statement.
An example of a feelings statement might be “I feel marginalized.”
A well-crafted assertiveness message can be effective on the spot, but it can also be something you hone and craft in preparation for an upcoming conversation, especially if you don’t feel particularly practiced at the craft or you’re anticipating a defensive reaction from the other person.
You could finally tell that colleague who keeps interrupting you exactly how you feel.
You could finally express that part of you that feels so underappreciated and marginalized.
It can feel pushy and overly aggressive to be assertive, especially if you’re timid or hate conflict.
An example of a feelings statement might be “I feel marginalized” or “I feel underappreciated.” While the other person may feel surprised- and even uncomfortable – to hear this, it’s hard to refute a person’s feelings.
You can tweak it to your own style to make the message feel as authentic as possible.

The orginal article.

Summary of “Imposter Syndrome: Why You Have It and What You Can Do About It”

Imposter syndrome was actually first known as “Imposter phenomenon.” In the 1970s, psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance coined the term “Imposter phenomenon”.
The imposter phenomenon refers to feelings of inadequacy, feeling like a fraud, attributing success to luck rather than skill and effort, and worrying about being found out.
All these feelings occur in those with imposter phenomenon despite evidence of success.
“If there is some new transitional experience, new career, new promotion, it can trigger those feelings.” But for those experiencing imposter phenomenon, Young says the cause seems to be setting expectations that are “Exceedingly high” and “Unrealistic notions of what it means to be competent.”
Imposter phenomenon can also correlate to worse outcomes at work-perhaps due to these unhealthy working habits.
A study of over 200 professionals at the University of Salzburg found those experiencing imposter phenomenon tended to be paid less, were less likely to be promoted, and felt less committed and satisfied at work.
Since imposter phenomenon is so damaging, but also extremely prevalent, let’s look at some of the ways to overcome it.
If you’re experiencing imposter phenomenon, try these approaches to lessen the impact on your emotional state and your work.

The orginal article.

Summary of “3 Negative Thinking Patterns to Avoid”

How you think about the events and people in your life can either help you reframe things in more positive ways that help you cope or take you down a rabbit hole of negative thinking and feeling bad about yourself, other people, and your future prospects.
Although you can’t always control what you think, you can learn to identify when you’re sinking into a negative pattern and then reboot and redirect your thinking along a more constructive or hopeful path.
If you keep redirecting your negative thinking over months and years, you may even change the patterns of neural connections in your brain so you react to life’s events in more grounded ways, with less panic and judgment.
It’s tricky to identify negative thinking patterns because our thoughts feel so immediate and true.
Rumination is a kind of negative thinking in which we get mentally stuck and keep spinning our wheels without making progress like a car stuck in a snowdrift.
Rumination can make you more and more anxious as you keep thinking of more and more negative outcomes that could possibly happen.
What to do instead. Pay attention to when your thinking is starting to get repetitive or negative.
Try to change your thinking to a problem-solving focus that is more deliberate and strategic.

The orginal article.