Summary of “The Guide to Strong Boundaries”

PSA: Setting strong personal boundaries are not a cure-all for your relationship woes.
People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries.
Practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.
It’s a hallmark of a codependent relationship and usually represents two people incapable of strong personal boundaries.
It’s like an addiction they fulfill in one another, and when presented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or a lack of “Chemistry.” They’ll pass on healthy, secure individuals because the secure partner’s solid boundaries will not excite the loose emotional boundaries of the needy person.
A person with strong boundaries understands that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100% and fulfill every need the other has.
A person with strong boundaries understands that they may hurt someone’s feelings sometimes, but ultimately they can’t determine how other people feel.
A person with strong boundaries understands that a healthy relationship is not controlling one another’s emotions, but rather each partner supporting each other in their growth and path to self-actualization.

The orginal article.

Summary of “How Expectations Are Shaping Your Relationship”

How strongly do you agree with the following statements: “In general, sacrificing is a necessary component of close relationships” and “It is normal to engage in sacrifices in close relationships”?
Being able to expect your partner to forgo concert plans when you come home on a Friday and are too tired to do anything more than put on a pair of pjs and Netflix and chill likely means that you are part of a relationship where you support and sacrifice for each other.
Each day, partners reported on any sacrifices they made, as well as how grateful they were to their partner, how much they respected their partner, and how satisfied they were with their relationship.
When the authors looked at how expectations shaped reactions to sacrifice, they found that people were more grateful, had more respect for their partners, and were more satisfied with their relationships on days when they perceived their partner had sacrificed for them, but much more so if they had low expectations of sacrifice.
People who had high expectations of sacrifice were much less moved by the sacrifice, in that they didn’t show the same increases in gratitude, respect, and satisfaction on days when they perceived their partner as having sacrificed for them compared to days without a sacrifice.
You might not be able to get past the expectations completely, but there are some mental tricks that could help increase your gratitude and respect, such as imagining that you were in a relationship with a partner who never engaged in these types of positive behaviors, or setting up a routine of looking for something you appreciate about your partner each day.
Try talking with your partner about their expectations of sacrifice and support-in this study, the researchers found a very weak correlation between partners’ expectations.
Probably a good thing to know so that you’re both on the same page! And if your partner doesn’t thank you for your sacrifices quite as much as you think they should, try to keep in mind that they’re likely falling prey to the same expectations.

The orginal article.

Summary of “The 3 Types of Work Friends You Need Early in Your Career”

After weeks of eating at my desk alone, making few to no friends, feeling overwhelmed by my work, and envying other colleagues’ work relationships, I realized that my approach wasn’t working so well.
So I shifted gears and decided to put in the effort to make friends at work, which turned out to be one of the best decisions that I could’ve made for my career.
Here are a few of the work friends you’ll need.1.
An Entry-Level Work Buddy This one is pretty self-evident and uncomplicated: When you’re first starting out in your career, you need a friend at work who gets you.
Ideally, your work buddy should be someone in a similar title or position as you, who doesn’t show any signs of competition-someone who’s trustworthy and candid.
Both types of relationship were valuable because one focused on my work ethic while the other focused on my presence as a leader in development.
Building these types of connections with friends and mentors in your work life takes time and consistency, but once you establish them, they can dramatically impact the trajectory of your career.
At the very least, they’ll make your time at work each day much more pleasant and gratifying.

The orginal article.

Summary of “The One Trait to Look For In a Partner”

A sizable portion of the dating pool is made up of people who think that all of the people they meet and date are untrustworthy, shallow, selfish, and manipulative.
You need to develop a nose for needy behavior, that is, behavior from someone who values your opinion of them more than their own.
What does needy behavior look like? Lying to impress you.
Hold yourself to a higher standard and the people around you will alter their behavior to meet that standard, or they’ll simply cease to be the people around you.3.
What’s most important to recognize is that the more manipulative behavior you have in yourself, the more manipulative behavior you will attract and encourage in everyone you date.
One Trait to Look For in a Partner Now, some people think my views towards romantic relationships are a little extreme sometimes.
The real question is, how do we deal with it? I previously pointed out how to notice emotionally manipulative behavior and how to avoid people who display it.
These are people who have problems and baggage and used them as a weapon with the people they date.

The orginal article.

Summary of “Maybe You Don’t Know What Love Is”

Getting Stuck on Conditional Relationships Not everyone grows out of these conditional relationships.
The problem with conditional relationships is that they inherently prioritize something else above the relationship.
Relationships Based on Unconditional Love This transitory nature of conditional relationships is usually something people can only see with the passage of a sufficient amount of time.
As most people age, most of them come to prioritize unconditional relationships – relationships where each person is accepted unconditionally for whoever he or she is, without additional expectations.
Unconditional relationships are relationships where both people respect and support each other without any expectation of something in return.
People who enter into conditional relationships enter into them for the simple reason that these relationships feel really good, yet they never stop to question why it feels so good.
Because if any of them ever has an answer other than, “It would change nothing,” then you probably have a conditional relationship on your hands – i.e., you don’t have a real loving relationship where you think you do.
If you want to remove or repair the conditional relationships in your life and have strong unconditional relationships, you are going to have to piss some people off.

The orginal article.

Summary of “Why Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others”

It’s a question that often plagues people after a painful break-up: What went wrong? As they work to figure out the answer, people typically create new relationship stories, analyzing the events leading up to the breakup and using them to build a cohesive narrative.
My colleague Carol Dweck and I research why some people are haunted by the ghosts of their romantic past, while others seem to move on from failed relationships with minimal difficulty.
In one study, Dweck and I asked people to reflect on a time when they were rejected in a romantic context, and then write about the question: What did you take away from this rejection? For some people, their answers made it clear that the rejection had come to define them-they assumed that their former partners had discovered something truly undesirable about them.
One person wrote: “Things were going well when all of a sudden he stopped talking to me. I have no idea why, but I think he saw that I was too clingy and this scared him away.” Another said: “I learned that I am too sensitive and that I push people away to avoid them pushing me away first. This characteristic is negative and makes people crazy and drives them away.”
A healthy behavior can become an unhealthy one when people take it too far and begin to question their own basic worth.
People reported becoming more guarded with new partners and “Putting up walls.” One study participant wrote: “I feel like I constantly withhold myself in possible future relationships in fear of being rejected again.” The belief that rejection revealed a flaw prompted people to worry that this defect would resurface in other relationships.
One person wrote, “Sometimes girls are not interested. It’s nothing to do with yourself, it’s just that they’re not interested.” Another noted how rejection wasn’t a reflection of worth: “I learned that two people can both be quality individuals, but that doesn’t mean they belong together.” Other people saw the rejection as a universal experience: “Everyone gets rejected. It’s just part of life.”
What makes people more likely to do one or the other? Past research by Dweck and others shows that people tend to hold one of two views about their own personal qualities: that they are fixed over the lifespan, or that they are malleable and can be developed at any point.

The orginal article.

Summary of “Stop Keeping Score”

That’s why you have to train yourself to stop feeding your ego by keeping score.
I’ve had conflicts in the past about keeping score.
I’ve also seen family members destroy relationships because they kept score.
I think there’s a relationship between keeping score and self-confidence.
Keeping score is something you do to prove a point, right? There’s no other reason I can think of after reading, researching, and talking endlessly about this subject.
I don’t worry about keeping score, because I know that, over a lifetime, the score will always be equal.
It makes no sense keeping score because we all chase the same goals.
Keeping score is a nasty trait that you want to avoid at all costs.

The orginal article.

Summary of “How I Measure My Life”

How do you measure your life? There are no universal metrics to assess your life.
So it’s up to every person to create their own way to measure where they are in life.
Some look at how far they climbed the corporate ladder.
I have studied how the most successful thinkers of our time measure their lives.
You rarely hear that successful people measure their life by the size of their bank account or any other conventional measure.
Career and life success is directly related to how much you learn.
“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” As the late Wayne Dyer said.
Instead of looking how others treat you, measure how much time and energy you put into your relationships.

The orginal article.

Summary of “How Friends Become Closer”

As I’ve written before, as time goes on, friendships often face more hurdles to intimacy than other close relationships.
As people get married later, and the ranks of single women rise, more and more books and television shows have been exploring friendship dynamics.
Even if someone wants to make friends a high priority in their life, unlike with romantic relationships, for friendships there are fewer cultural scripts to follow to do the work of befriending someone, or making a friendship closer.
“The opportunities for friendship come with how people’s lives are organized,” Rawlins says.
Ryan Hubbard, who lives in Adelaide, Australia and works in “Design for social innovation,” started a research project called Kitestring to try to figure out how people organize their lives to prioritize friendship, and some of the more specific ways that friendships get deeper.
Kelci Harris, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto who studies friendship, says that bids seem “Probably equally viable for friendship” as they do for romance and marriage.
Another metaphor Rawlins doesn’t like is Kitestring’s third takeaway-the idea of putting friendships in “Containers,” where friendships are easier to maintain if you create some kind of regular practice in which to hold them-a weekly dinner, or a monthly book club.
In a study that Harris did, the quality of the time friends spent together-specifically their self-reported depth of conversation, and the amount of self-disclosure-was linked to higher friendship satisfaction.

The orginal article.

Summary of “The Difficult Art of Giving Space in Love”

“Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls,” the great Lebanese-American poet, philosopher, and painter Kahlil Gibran counseled in what remains the finest advice on the secret to a loving and lasting relationship.
In a letter to the trailblazing German expressionist painter Paula Modersohn-Becker, Rainer Maria Rilke offered some spectacular advice on managing the bipolar pull of autonomy and togetherness in a way that assures the longevity of any close bond and protects love from self-destruction.
The passages appear in the wonderful poetry and prose anthology Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties: Translations and Considerations, selected and translated by the scholar and philosopher John Mood.
For, if it lies in the nature of indifference and of the crowd to recognize no solitude, then love and friendship are there for the purpose of continually providing the opportunity for solitude.
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!
Self-transformation is precisely what life is, and human relationships, which are an extract of life, are the most changeable of all, rising and falling from minute to minute, and lovers are those in whose relationship and contact no one moment resembles another.
For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Complement this particular portion of the altogether beautiful and healing Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties with Anna Dostoyevskaya on the secret to a happy marriage, Virginia Woolf on what makes love last, and Kahlil Gibran on the courage to weather the uncertainties of love, then revisit Rilke on the lonely patience of creative work, what it takes to be an artist, why we read, and how hardship enlarges us.

The orginal article.